Kingdom Hearts: Life in Crack
by Kaida Shade
Summary: A series of humourous, amusing and just plain strange oneshots from your's truly. All oneshots, all Kingdom Hearts, all crack. Rated for safety and language.
1. The Horror of Traverse Town

**Hi guys, first KH fanfic and I will be the first to admit it's insanely crackish and quite bad. Kinda spawned from remembering when I got stuck for 4 hours in Traverse Town, trying to work out what the hell I was supposed to do. That music gets really annoying after a while.**

* * *

Sora bolted through Traverse Town, his breath coming in short bursts as he shot round corners. He skidded to a halt, wrenched the door open and dashed through. A Shadow sprang up in front of him; he slashed at it, slicing through it in an instant and charging on, some unseen force driving him forwards as Donald and Goofy struggled to keep up. He was getting exhausted now, the Keyblade was a dead weight in his hand, but he knew he had to keep going, keep running, no matter what. His eyes darted around, searching for the door to the First District. He dashed towards it and wrenched it open, diving through and skidding to a halt.

A scream echoed through the streets. Donald and Goofy looked on in horror as Sora fell to his knees, clutching at his skull and hurling the Keyblade accross the square. Donald approached him cautiosly, laying a hand/wing on his back.

"Sora? Are you okay?" he quacked with concern.

"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Sora muttered, his voice cracking.

"What?"

"Can't you hear it?!" Sora turned and glared at Donald, his eyes wide with terror bordering on insanity

"Uh, hear what?" Goofy asked

"The MUSIC! The horrible MUSIC!" He cried, tears streaming from his eyes as he collapsed into miserable sobs. Donald and Goofy exchanged nervous glances, before running off towards the Accessory Shop, leaving Sora to his mental breakdown.

* * *

Meanwhile, young Kaida sat staring in shock at her TV. She glanced down at the game guide she had (being both a cheat and a cheapskate) printed off of the internet. "What the hell?!" She glared at the sobbing game character on the screen as the Traverse Town background music floated out of the speakers. "This isn't supposed to happen!"


	2. What Are They Doing in There?

**Based on a roleplay i once did with my buddy Schemilix about our own characters- I thought this would be funny with Axel and Roxas. Please forgive it's shittyness.

* * *

**Just an ordinary day... well, we can presume it was day, in the Castle that Never Was. Demyx was bored out of his mind; everyone who wouldn't chase him off was out on missions except for Axel and Roxas, and he couldn't find them anywhere. Hence why he was ambling down one of the endless white corridors that the Nobodies somehow didn't get lost in towards Roxas's room. It was the only place in the Castle he hadn't looked yet, so logically they _had _to be in there. As he approached the room he heard the pair's voices drifting down the corridor. He grinned; so they _were _in there. He made to open the door and barge in, but before he could Roxas started talking again; 

"Axel! That's not going to fit in there!"

"Yes it is!"

"Wow, it does. Hey, you're really good at this, you sure it's the first time you've done it?" Demyx froze. I'm sorry, what? He pressed his ear to the door and listened.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Natural talent obviously." Axel sounded pleased with himself. There was nothing but the sound of something moving for a minute, then Axel grunted irritably "Stop squirming, you're squashing me!"

"Oh, sorry Axel. Keep going! You've almost got it!" Roxas laughed. "You know, we should get Demyx to play with us." Demyx couldn't take it any more.

"Do WHAT?!" he yelled, bursting into the room. The pair stared at him in shock, a game of Tetris blinking on the screen of Roxas's computer. Demyx blushed furiously. "Er, sorry guys. I'll see you later." He exited and bolted back to his own room to spend some quality, non-embarrassing time with his sitar.

Axel looked at Roxas in confusion. "What do you think his problem was?" The blonde shrugged.

"Dunno. Hey, I bet I can beat your score!" Axel grinned

"You're on!"


	3. What Are They Doing in There NOW?

All was quiet in the World that Never Was. Too quiet, Demyx thought. Last time it had been this quiet, he'd had an extremely embarrasing experience involving his two best friends. 'Probably in Roxas's room,' he thought, turning towards it. He heard a voice coming from the room, but it wasn't Roxas or Axel. It was Luxord. Demyx couldn't make out the words, but he was getting a horrible sense of deja-vu. As he got nearer, he heard Roxas speak:

"Aww, Luxord no fair!" The teenager whined. Demyx heard the gambler chuckle

"It's not my fault you're not flexible enough to keep up."

"Yeah, Roxy. Now hold still." Axel's voice. Demyx froze. Yep, definitely a bit of deja-vu here. 'I should leave' he thought, but something drew him to keep listening.

"OW! Axel, you're hurting me!" Roxas yelped

"Oh quit complainin'! This was your idea in the first place." There was the sound of something moving inside, along with another yelp.

"Quiet down you two, we don't want anyone overhearing." Luxord spoke softly.

"Well why don't you join in then? You just like watching, you sadistic bastard!" Roxas snapped

"Sorry, I'm not very good, I'd wreck the fun." Luxord laughed. There was no audible noise for a minute.

"Roxas, quit squriming, this requires concentration!" Axel growled.

"Well, I'm sorry, this isn't very comfortable you know. How come you're on top anyway?" Demyx's eyes widened. On top of _what?!_

"Because that's the way it is Roxy."

"Hmph! Well, I'm going first next time." Most of Demyx was telling him to get out of there before he heard anything that would traumatise him further, but the small part that told him to stay won over his brain. He pressed his ear closer to the door. Luxord was laughing again.

"I should've brought my camera, people would pay to see this."

"If you had, it would've suffered a firey demise-WILL YOU STOP SQUIRIMING!?" Axel roared.

"My leg's fallen asleep." Roxas complained

"Don't worry Roxas, it's your turn anyway." More movement-y noises.

"Ya know, we should've invited Demyx. He's all skinny and flexible and stuff, he'd probably be really good at it." Demyx stifled a choke. No, he was not going to burst in there, he wasn't, he-

"Good at WHAT?!" Demyx cried, bursting in with a traumatised expression. Luxord looked up from his chair, a multicoloured spinner on his lap; Axel and Roxas were in a tangled heap on a slightly crumpled up Twister mat. "Oh, sorry." He muttered, backing towards the door.

"Nah, it's okay. Would you like to play?" Luxord asked, holding up the spinner. Demyx blushed furiously, but nodded and joined the other two on the mat. They spent the rest of the afternoon playing a companionable and completely innocent game of Twister.

* * *

**There, wasnt too painful was it? now why does nobody ever read and review my stuff -.- you're all cruel you know that?**


	4. Axel vs the Maybug

**A/N: apologies about this, it's an idea I've had knocking around in my brain for a while and it needed to come out to give me room to work on When They Were Young and my novel Dragon's Rebellion. (I currently have writers block on both thanks to these bitching little oneshots that are lodged in there)**

May, in the Castle that Never Was. May was a season that Axel rather enjoyed, as much as Nobodies could enjoy anything- it was warm(er than it usually was), sunny (in every single other world) and the air was filled with the scent of flowers from Marluxia's garden (or possibly his deodorant). Axel spent the days that he wasn't on a mission in May wandering the Castle's extensive halls, enjoying the warmth and the flowers and the fact that most of the other Nobodies were in a better mood than usual (except for Xaldin, but when was he ever in a good, non-stabby, mood?)

A loud buzzing interrupted Axel's thoughts. He glanced around for the errant insect until the noise stopped, but saw nothing. Strange... it had been so loud and seemed so close to him. He shrugged and went to run his hands through the long spikes of his hair. Suddenly he froze and his eyes widened in horror. _No... it can't be... not one of them... please, no!_

His fingers found the smooth, slightly fuzzy surface of a small, curved carapace and 6 tiny legs clinging to his hair. Axel shivered. _ohnononononononotgood! _He couldn't see the little creature but he instantly knew that it was a brownish, beetle-like insect and the one and only thing he hated about May.

A Maybug. One of those horrible, huge bugs that stuck to your hair and could not be removed even if you killed it. He knew from experience that the only way to get them out was to cut off the piece of hair it was attached to. Axel shivered again; that thing was tangled up in there pretty good, he'd lose a whole spike trying to cut it out. There had to be another way that preserved his crowning glory, the pride and joy that was his insane, spikey mane of hair.

The insect buzzed again. Axel attempted to glare at the back of his own head; damned creature. He clicked his fingers, summoning a small ball of fire which he stared into intently. Fire was good, it helped him think and was strangely hypnotic... so pretty... and warm...

Of course! Fire! Perfect! It wouldn't burn him, its master, but that dastardly inverterbrate would be charcoal! He clicked his fingers again and the fireball grew in his hand. Grinning wickedly, he tossed the fire at the back of his head, straight towards the maybug...

Demyx heard the scream of pain from the other side of the castle.


	5. The Uses of Fire Elementals

**OH THE CRACKLAMITY! Yeah, don't ask why I wrote this. W i love instant noodles soooo much! And for you Americans crisps potato chips in proper, British english. I like my language and refuse to use the messed up American version that can't spell 'coloUr'. IT HAS A 'U' PEOPLE!**

**It's called English, not American, so you should be using our spelling rules. Yeah, I'll stop ranting about American spelling now.**

Roxas was hungry. Not just 'oh, I think I should eat something' hungry but 'OH DEAR GOD MUST HAVE FOOD RIGHT NOW' hungry. He'd just gotten back from a mission to the Pride Lands- nice place, friendly people... er, lions, and plenty going on, but the food sucked. Unless, of course, you liked raw, bloody gazelle.

So, naturally, the first place Roxas went once he got back was the kitchen. He dug around in the vast cupboards, searching for his favourite food; instant noodles. Grabbing several packets, he dumped a large saucepan on the stove, poured water into it and made to turn on the stove.

Nothing happened.

Roxas stared at the appliance irritably, jabbing at the buttons. He swore loudly just as Demyx entered the kitchen. "The stove's broken Rox." He said simply, pulling a bag of crisps out of the cupboard and holding another out to Roxas. "Want one?" Roxas shook his head, looking furious. His stomach growled; he NEEDED noodles! He sat down by the counter, head in his hands. What was he going to do?

"Oi! Demyx! Get me some crisps will ya?" Axel's voice floated in from the next room. Roxas shot upright; you could almost see the little lightbulb blinking into life above his spiky head. He grabbed the saucepan and noodles and ran into the other room. Axel was sprawled on his back on the sofa, munching crisps. He looked up at Roxas questioningly as the blonde approached him. There was no way he could've predicted what Roxas would do next.

Axel cried out in surprise as Roxas dropped the pan straight onto his stomach. The fire elemental made to push it off himself but found a keyblade being pointed at his throat by a stony-faced and desperate-looking Roxas. The water in the pan began to steam and the blonde dropped the numerous packets of noodles into the water.

Three minutes later, Roxas was busily inhaling noodles whilst Axel stared at him in shock. How could anyone eat that fast? Demyx returned from the kitchen with his crisps and Axel gave him a questioning look. Demyx shrugged.

"The stove's broken."


	6. The Innuendos Are Getting Ridiculous

Just another day in paradise… I mean, The World that Never Was. The Key of Destiny stalked the halls with a face like thunder. Roxas had just gotten back from a really crappy mission and was looking for sympathy in the form of Axel. They hadn't played Tetris for a while and if Demyx was around they could always have a good game of Twister together, although finding Luxord to spin the thing might be tricky seeing as he was out on a mission.

He made for Axel's room, hearing laughter as he approached the door and catching snatches of conversation.

"Hey, Axel, didn't you say you had something for me?" Demyx's voice. Of course, if Roxas wasn't around Axel would always be with Demyx.

"Sure do!" Axel replied. There was a gasp from inside.

"Holy crap it's huge!" Demyx shrieked.

"Yeah, want it?"

"Hell yeah! I've never had one that big before." He pressed his ear to the door, trying to hear something else. All he could hear was his own breathing. Wait, he couldn't hear that. He remembered to breathe in time to stop himself passing out.

He heard nothing from inside for a couple of minutes except a little rustling.

"Mfroo schtwod hiff Ruxfs shom off tgis" Demyx remarked. Wha-?

"Demyx, don't talk with your mouth full." Axel laughed.

"Sorry. I said, you should give Roxas some of this."

"Yeah, maybe I will." Roxas panicked when he heard his own name. He could not be held responsible for his actions.

"I AM NOT JOINING IN WITH…your… sick… hey, is that a sub sandwich?" He charged through the door, spotting the two older boys sat on Axel's bed eating a monstrous sub sandwich that was at least 12ft long.

"Yep, want some?" Axel asked, holding up his end. "We're never gonna be able to eat the whole thing by ourselves." Roxas nodded frantically and sat down with his two friends. The three enjoyed their sandwich immensely, although by the time they were all totally stuffed there was still about 3ft of bread, chicken, cheese, bacon and Kingdom Hearts knows what else left. Oh well, someone would eat it.


	7. Fanfiction, or THEY WROTE WHAT!

Yeah... spawned from boredom, as many of my oneshots are. I can't even say this was an idea I've had for a while. It just came to me. It's probably been done a million times before, but I'd like to think I made it a little bit interesting.

* * *

Sora was bored. There had been nothing to do since returning from their adventures- at least, nothing that excited the young Keyblade master's interest. He was far too used to spending his days slaying Heartless and Nobodies and travelling to other, more interesting, worlds.

He hauled himself off of his bed, where he had been lying trying to think of something to do, and crossed to his computer. 'Oh no', you must be thinking, 'the poor computer'. But, you'll be pleased to hear, Sora was now quite proficient with computers. A mysterious voice in his head had patiently taught him how to use most of the programs and, in the process, allowed him to discover that he was terrible at Minesweeper. Fortunately, he was much better at using the ever-wonderful program known as Internet Explorer (or you can pretend I just said Firefox, if you prefer).

He fired up said portal to wonder and did what virtually every bored teenager will do at some point in their lives; he Googled his own name:

Results **1** - **10** of about **21,400,000** for **Sora **

'Wow, that's a lot of stuff.' Sora thought as he scrolled through it all. A lot of it had nothing to do with him, obviously, as is the case for many bored teenagers who try this. However, he did find something that got his interest, _"... sounds interesting. Go for it!" _The mysterious voice who had taught him to use the computer prompted. He clicked on the link and a white screen covered in text appeared. He sat back in the chair and began to read. He smiled as he realised this was a story- about _him_ no less. Yes, there was no mistaking that description.

He continued to read, marvelling in the author's excellent descriptions of how gorgeous he was. This was a writer with _talent!_ And she seemed to know him so well! He wondered if Kairi had written this. Riku was in it too, seemingly as another main character. Of course, Sora thought; why would he ever be without his best friend? He finished the chapter and carried on to the next one. As he read, his smile began to fade, to be replaced by a slight frown. He finished that chapter too and continued. His frown was replaced by a wide eyed expression of utter shock.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" He cried.

_"Whoa, that's messed up." _The mysterious voice commented, sounding rather stunned. Sora leapt up from his chair and bolted from the house. He didn't stop running until he reached the front door of Riku's home- his best friend had to know; after all, it involved him too. He pounded on the door, which was answered by the silver-haired teen himself. Sora quickly explained that he had something to show Riku and that he had to come with him _right now!_ Riku rolled his eyes, thinking that Sora had uncovered some random thing only of interest to the brunette himself, but decided to see what it was anyway.

(10 minutes later)

Riku's sea-green eyes were so wide that Sora thought they would pop out of his skull. "Um... Riku, are you okay?" Sora asked, concerned for his friend. Riku didn't move for a few seconds then closed the window on the computer.  
"You read that... right?" Sora nodded, "They think we're..." The silverette gulped, unable to finish.  
"I know Riku."  
"But... that's just _wrong! _I am _not_ gay for you! You know that right?" Sora nodded again. Riku sighed with relief. "That's good. Now let's never speak of this again."

Riku got up and left, waving goodbye and promising to see Sora at school on Monday. Sora went back to his computer, going to a wonderful website known as '' to sooth away his trauma with a good game of Tetris, which he was infinitely better at than Minesweeper.

"_Psh, you think you've got it bad." _the mysterious voice scoffed  
"Huh, what are you talking about" Sora said out loud. Why not? Nobody was listening.  
"_You should see some of the stuff they've written about _me._ And _Axel" Sora's eyes widened, the images flashing through his mind were pretty damn scarring.

_"Of course,"_ The voice continued. Sora could almost hear its grin. "_That doesn't mean that none of it's _true..."


	8. What They're Doing In There

**AN: This one is a leetle more serious than others in this little anthology, but it kind of goes with 'What Are They Doing In There', 'What Are They Doing In There NOW' and 'The Innuendos Are Getting Ridiculous', so it's going in here. Please be aware that I wrote it at like 11 at night, so I'm kinda sleepy. This is dedicated to FinalFallenFantasy on account of her being so damn prolific, one of my best friends and saying it was cute.**

Demyx once again found himself alone, wandering the corridors of The Castle That Never Was. He sighed heavily; this was getting tiresome and Axel and Roxas never seemed to want to hang around with him anymore. They were always off in one of their rooms doing something or other. So that's where he decided to head; they would leave him out no longer!

He marched off towards the door, only to pause as he heard movement inside, and voices. It was the pyro and the blondie alright! He listened at the door, cautious of bursting in incredulously on some innocent game of Tetris or Twister or some other game beginning with T, as had happened before. Honestly, those two could make _anything _sound dirty. He only caught the tail end of this conversation though, and once again his name drifted through the white-painted wood of the door.

"We should definitely ask Demyx to join in next time; we've been leaving him out a lot lately." Came Roxas' voice, panting and sounding exhausted.

"Hmm.. maybe. Has he ever done it before d'you reckon?" Axel, too, sounded tired.

"Dunno." Silence after that.

Demyx was left with the choice of whether to go in, or leave. If he went in, he could be embarrased and make a complete idiot of himself, or he could actually walk in on those two doing... something, which would be infinitely worse. But if he left, his curiosity would be left unsated, and Demyx's curiosity was a powerful thing...

Sod it...

He turned the knob and opened the door a crack, peering in. It was quite dark in the room, save for a faint glow from the bed. Something on the bed, in fact. Roxas. He was curled up like a little cat, glowing away happily as he slept with a faint smile on his face. And there, lying on his back and softly illuminated by the light element's glow, was Demyx's other best friend and everyone's favourite lanky pyro, his arm wrapped around the younger boy protectively as he snuggled into Axel's chest.

Demyx crept closer, watching the pair carefully lest they wake up and find him intruding on their moment. He had a feeling Axel would not be best pleased, and Axel not being pleased usually involved fire and a lifespan you could measure in seconds. But no, they slept on undisturbed by the water element's light footsteps. Demyx couldn't help the smile that crept onto his face at the pair, so the rumours were true! Not that it mattered, of course; heck, everyone knew about what Xemnas and Saix got up to under the light of Kingdom Hearts, and Vexen always had rather worryingly detailed theories about _exactly _what one Nobody could do to another with vines...

But no-one really cared. Why should Axel and Roxas be any different? It wasn't, really. And it wasn't like Demyx was jealous or anything, nuh-uh, not at all. He was happy for them, honestly he was. And with that in mind, he turned and left them to their pleasant dreams, heading off to his own room to enjoy his own true love, a little music.


	9. Can't Fight The Moonlight

**I'm... not sure where this came from. There was some kind of inspiration, I know that, but I think my plot bunny Sir Arthur just grabbed onto my arse and refused to let go until I got this written. Apologies for any OOC-ness, I don't think I've ever actually written Saix before. Also, a little XemSai if you squint and hold it upside-down.**

Kingdom Hearts... my it was beautiful when it was so full and bright like this, Xemnas thought as he stood on the balcony gazing at the great heart-shaped moon. If only Number 7 could be here and see it like this; he too appreciated the wonders of this magnificent celestial beauty, but for some reason the berserker was never to be found on these splendid nights, these rare moments when Xemnas almost _felt_...

He made a decision then, to show this wonder to his long-time friend and fellow heart-shaped moon enthusiast. Now to find him. But Saix was never to be found on the nights of the full moon. Rumours abounded about exactly where the blue-haired man went on such nights and what he did, including the ever-popular werewolf theory, though Xemnas thought that unlikely despite the blue-haired one's beast-like tendancies.

He wandered the Castle's hallways, hunting for that distinctive blue flash that signified the other man's presence, but he saw it nowhere. Eventually only one place remained to search; the berserker's bedroom. A small shiver of... was that fear, no of course not... crept up Xemnas' spine at the thought of entering Saix's private quarters. Not even Axel, who could be utterly fearless in the pursuit of pranking, would enter there. Not even if Xigbar dared him. Heck, not even if Luxord made a bet with him! Nevertheless, if Xemnas was to share with him the wondrous beauty of Kingdom Hearts in its full glory, he would have to risk it. He was sure Saix would appreciate it.

And that was how Xemnas, Superior of the Organisation, found himself at the door of Saix, the feared Luna Diviner on that fateful night when Kingdom Hearts shone brightly overhead, his fist raised as he prepared to knock...

'_Underneath the starlight- starlight_

_There's a magical feeling- so right'_

What? Xemnas listened at the door. It was quiet, but definitely there, a woman's voice accompanied by a deep, melodious growl that could only belong to the blue-haired berserker. He peered through the keyhole, but could see little.

_'You can try to resist_

_Try to hide from my kiss_

_But you know, but you know that you_

_Can't fight the moonlight...'_

Xemnas opened the door a crack, peering around carefully whilst trying not to make any noise. He froze, stifling a gasp at the scene within. _Kingdom Hearts..._

'_Deep in the dark _

_You'll surrender your heart_

_But you know, but you know that you_

_Can't fight the...' _"Superior!"

Saix spun round as he caught a glimpse of Xemnas from the corner of his eye, his hands

going behind his scantily-clad back to conceal the object he held. Xemnas stood very still, trying to process exactly what he was seeing. The blue-haired berserker stood before him, dressed in nothing more than his boxers as Leanne Rimes' 'Can't Fight The Moonlight' played quietly in the background.

"Number Seven..." He began carefully, praying that Saix would not attack him to keep him quiet. "What is that in your hand?" Saix looked down at his toes, a faint blush creeping over his cheeks as he pulled his hands from behind his back to reveal a metallic silver hairbrush. Xemnas regarded him critically.

"I... can explain, Superior. Please, forgive me."

"I do not think there is much to explain. I saw exactly what you were doing." And how he wished he hadn't... or did he. Xemnas had never been so confused in his un-life. Kingdom Hearts that man had a nice body! Wait... what?

"It is the full moon. Under its radiance... it is so difficult, I am not myself at this time." He looked more embarrased than a Nobody should be able to and Xemnas, had he been in possession of a heart, would have felt sorry for him.

"Do not worry, Saix. I will not tell the others." Saix sighed in what may have been relief and Xemnas felt a small smile creep over his lips. "Come, let us go and enjoy the wonders of Kingdom Hearts. But first... please get dressed."

Saix grinned and followed him out into the hallway for a lovely evening of gazing at Kingdom Hearts as it glowed gently.


End file.
